Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Bootstraps
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.