Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.