HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You Might Also Like
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
WWE is French for “yes”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.