Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you