If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
normalize having existential bread
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
💁🏻♂️
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.