Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
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Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I did not eat the cake…
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The best shot in the history of golf
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.