[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?