North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.