Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
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Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
PLEASE READ
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
There is wisdom there.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Selfie
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers