Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.