I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
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If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
✌️