Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
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Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
We all have our pet causes.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice