“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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Based Erika
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
‘I know a black person’
– White people
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process