In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.