[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.