When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
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Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher