Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
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roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run