I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Still my favourite meme.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side