My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
You Might Also Like
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?