I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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A Parenting Story
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
So sick of all these stupid rules
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.