I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool