*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓