Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Only short people can save us
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Noah
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.