Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Has science gone too far?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!