I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
how much for the angry fruit?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.