If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
You Might Also Like
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points