FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
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I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
i spent way too long on this
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.