[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
You Might Also Like
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.