“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”