How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.