Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?