I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.