If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.