[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
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Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die