[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
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The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
crazy
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity