Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
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“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
don’t be scared
The French cow says MEUX…
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.