Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
You Might Also Like
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.