My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.