I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
You Might Also Like
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My wedding will be open casket.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*