My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
You Might Also Like
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?