The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.