Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer