Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
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Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“and how does that make you feel?”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.