Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
translated into Canadian
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
What about a To-Don’t List?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.