Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
You Might Also Like
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
A great tip. #CakeRex
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”