8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.