It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Jesus steals the winter solstice
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out