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Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*