so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Well, my evening plans are ruined
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no