I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday